Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
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My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Seals are just dog mermaids.