People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
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Bit chilly again tonight.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Breaking news:
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..