LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
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What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk