The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
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Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
had to make it
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.