[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
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OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
a god among men