old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
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we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Succinctly put.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.