BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
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Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Me irl
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.