Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
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I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.