Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
You Might Also Like
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
The USS B port
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I hate what you’ve done with the place.