[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
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is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
nature’s most graceful animal
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I need better friends
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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