America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
You Might Also Like
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything