My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
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When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
How dramatic are you?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”