Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.