who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
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*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose