my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop