[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
dictator is short for richard potato
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”