Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Very problematic
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I put the p in pants.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win