My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave