Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
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Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.