her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
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I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Woke up against my better judgement again
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.