You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
You Might Also Like
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born