[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
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bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
quarantine day 3
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.