I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
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Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..