Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
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Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.