Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
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Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I only treason on days ending in y
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me