My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
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Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?