Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
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waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
my one true gender
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out