You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
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When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*