haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
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Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
This checks out
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.