She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
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By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
It be like that sometimes 😆
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.