Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
You Might Also Like
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”