*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.