Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
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My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears