Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
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me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Incredible customer service.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives