No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
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I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda