“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
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bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?