Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
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Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
christening a ship with an overripe banana
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS