Who did this…? 💫⚡️
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
This why you should mind your business
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son