Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.