Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
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Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
🤣😂