Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.