Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
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tinder is all about the long game
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
respect
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”