[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
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I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
how to have an accident 101
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no