Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
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*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.