If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
You Might Also Like
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
tis the season
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?