Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
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Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
😅😅😅
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
when nothing goes right… go left
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
is this a warning or an offer?
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts