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*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday