Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.