[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
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Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My circle of trust is a meatball
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe