(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
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Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Previously On Persistence 😎
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes